Christmas Cracker Jokes

Some of the very best !
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered
What’s the most popular Christmas wine? I don’t like Brussels sprouts
How did Scrooge win the football game? The ghost of Christmas passed
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia
How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet? 25. There’s “no EL”
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ‘ho ho ho’
Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas? Noël Coward
What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer
Knock, knock Who’s there? Arthur Arthur who? Arthur any mince pies left?
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve? Auld Fang Syne
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor? Because he had a low “elf” esteem
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum, you just can’t beat it
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws
Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet
What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles
Did Rudolph go to school? No. He was Elf-taught
Why did the turkey join the band? Because it had the drumsticks
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? One that’s deep pan, crisp and even
What do you call a bunch of chess grandmasters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps
How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle
What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy
What do you call a cat in the desert? Sandy Claws
What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm
What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross Mouse Cards
What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep losing their needles
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells
What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum – you just can’t beat it
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf? He has Santa claws
What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? Stick with me and we’ll go places
Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital? Because he has private elf care